Sunday, November 04, 2012
its time for closure..
just so that I can possibly live better.
its been a year plus. and I think finally I can get out of the can bang wall feeling. at the end of it all, the conclusion is that I was stupid.
it started with crappy emails, random chats on office communicator, dinners when we OT together, cycling on weekends, runs at east coast park, suppers, drinks with your friend. and then it all came crashing down the week when you suddenly became emo.
I should have guessed that something was not right when you didn't take any action. when you disappeared randomly. when you turned cold occasionally. when you wore the ring on the chain around your neck. when I saw the hello kitty helmet in your bike. when you gave your many excuses.
I should have escaped when the truth came to light this year, when you broke up with your girlfriend of 6 years. I should have seen your true colours and known that something was being hidden from me. You didn't do anything but I couldn't help feeling led on. But I stayed and offered my shoulder and time. Listened when you poured out your stories, stayed up till wee hours youtube-ing emo songs together, cycled while you ran, travelled all the way to eat supper, went out for movies and dinners even though it was still my peak. met your friends and mum for dinner etc. why.
and then you said you needed time. I thought you meant you needed time to get over your "friend". I didn't know that the time was meant to choose between me and "her". so I gave you time and then you disappeared again. so I decided it was my time to leave so that you'll be happier with your "friend".
but apparently, its "her" you chose. and you had the audacity to tell me its the wrong time and we were "just a crush" to you. looking back, I can only say I was stupid and foolish. I thought "her" and you were very good friends and she was attached too. and when chia asked you whats your relationship with "her", you replied I'm like your small sister, and she's like a big sister to you and she's attached and they had applied for flat. wth. 3 weeks later, the pics on fb say otherwise. at least now you have the courage to tell me you and "her" are "dating arh.."
Really feel like an idiot. Should have let go of what I can't change last year. Its really scary how some people can be. and its really disheartening. seriously, a relationship of 6 years and the other of 8 years. it takes a few months/weeks for you 2 to get over it? maybe I'm the only one with this stupid thinking.
oh wells. at least now I don't feel that sad anymore. maybe with time, everything will heal.
thank you for inspiring in me a love for running. its the only thing that's real now.
for now, I think I'm going to take a while to start trusting people. Its really quite scary how some people can be.
10:33 PM
